I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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