We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
