i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
