I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
