got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
