Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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