Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
