He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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