I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I CAN MOONWALK!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
