Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
