i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
