my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
