Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
