look no pants
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
