i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
