I just pynch a tree in the face
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He felt like a one man threesome
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
