I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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