I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
