a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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