Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
