Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
