Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
