the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
