Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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