I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
