Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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