she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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