Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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