Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
