life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
