I accidentally had phone sex last night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
