Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
there is glitter all over my balls
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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