im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
