last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
