I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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