Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
