Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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