I am puke
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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