He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
