Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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