I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
