He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
