Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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