i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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