i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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