I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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