does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
