Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
