we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
