Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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