I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
