i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
