I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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